I WOULD LIKE TO START BY SAYING THAT ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THIS ARTICLE IS TRUE. I DID NOT DO THESE THINGS. THIS ARTICLE IS COMPLETE FICTION AND ANY SEMBLANCE TO ANY ONGOING CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION IS COMPLETELY COINCIDENTAL, AND IN NO WAY A CONFESSION OF GUILT ON MY PART.
When I was growing up in the 90’s, my musical tastes were very heavily shaped by the influence of my father, who was in to a lot of alt rock and alternative music, with a healthy dose of classic rock from when he was a teenager. I grew up listening to bands like the Barenaked Ladies, Blues Traveler, Dr. Hook, Presidents of the United States of America, Aerosmith, Led Zepplin, the Rolling Stones, ZZ Top, and the Beatles, almost all of which I still listen to today. But maybe one of the biggest influences his musical tastes had on me was on my sense of humor, because we used to listen to a particular radio station out of Memphis all the time, and especially to their afternoon DJs, Drake & Zeke.
Now, I’ve been a big fan of Zeke Logan and Radio’s Drake Hall since that time, and I followed them to a different Memphis rock station when they left the one my father and I used to listen to (which has really gone downhill since). Drake and Zeke continue to be just as entertaining to me at 21 as they were to me at 10. In fact, just recently, they read an email of mine live on the air (regarding the mid-season finale of South Park) and I freaked out.
In the short time since, I’ve wanted to be mentioned on their program again. The thought that two of my biggest role models might read about my exploits, especially on the air, might have driven me temporarily insane, though, because what followed was only really justifiable in the context of insanity.
Drake and Zeke do a daily feature on their program called “Dumbasses of the Day”, in which they share the tales of particularly stupid and/or insane crimes that occur somewhere in the world, and then, of course, laugh at the perpetrators of said stupid and/or insane crimes. This, I thought, in a state beyond all reason, was my best shot at getting on the Drake & Zeke morning program.
I set off to the drawing board, trying to design the stupidest, most insane crime I could possibly think of, all with the established end-goal of being talked about for thirty seconds on my favorite radio morning show. After two all-nighters and about twenty pots of coffee, I had come up with absolutely nothing.
Desperate, I decided to try something I had only ever seen in a webcomic: a Cadbury Crème Egg bender. In the brilliant comic Shortpacked!, when the character Robin Desanto did this for the first time, she was elected as a senator of the United States when she came to, and the second time, she had established world peace by the time she came to, which lasted all of four weeks. I figured if a fictional character could do that, I could probably have done something stupid, insane, and criminal by the time I came to.
Sadly, I was mistaken. It turns out real life isn’t like webcomics; when I awoke, I hadn’t moved, I was surrounded by (what I assume was) my own vomit, and I had Type 1 Diabetes, which I thought was the one you had to be born with, but there you go. It was so intense it gave me a pre-existing condition.
I decided to turn to my editor, Matt, for inspiration. “Fuck, I dunno,” Matt remarked casually, “Have you tried absinthe?”
So I did. I bought some Absinthe and downed the whole damn bottle in one night. Again, I blacked out.
When I came to, I was in a warehouse down by the docks, which was odd, considering Arkansas (where I live) is a land-locked state. I was surrounded by no less than four passed-out midget strippers and a very confused looking llama. I walked out into the (super-bright) daylight, hung over like nobody’s business. I felt something in my pocket jab my leg as I walked, so I reached in and pulled out a sharpened toothbrush with dried blood stained on it. I looked down to notice I was not wearing my normal clothes, but a pair of black pants, a black leather duster, and a white t-shirt that had “ABSINTHE FUELED HOBO-STABBING, 2011” airbrushed on it in colorful letters.
I reached into the pocket of the duster and pulled out a pair of coke-bottle green-tinted sunglasses, and started walking towards the tall buildings of New York City, quite disoriented. I assumed when I got back to Arkansas, I would have quite a bit of explaining to do, but I’ll be damned if this doesn’t get me on Drake & Zeke’s Dumbasses of the Day.