Readers, you’ve no doubt heard of a certain strange animal called a Platypus. The Platypus (the plural is ‘Platypi’, I believe, but I prefer ‘Platypussies’ for obvious reasons) is a semi-aquatic mammal native to Australia (of course) which is one of the very, very few mammal species that reproduces by laying eggs (the other is the Echidna, or, as I like to refer to it, the “fucked up hedgehog”). Platypussies also have leathery, duck-like beaks and beaver tails, because somewhere, up in wherever *insert creator diety/force of choice* is, it decided that somehow, someway, Beavers and Ducks needed to get busy.
Platypussies have captured the public imagination, especially in recent years, because of children’s cartoons, such as the enjoyable “Phineas and Ferb”, which feature the cuddly-wuddly Platypus as a fluffy-wuffy huggable and loveable animal. In fact, Perry the Platypus, the Platypus from Phineas and Ferb, is Phineas and Ferb’s pet, kind of like a retarded cat, or any kind of dog. He’s also a secret agent who frequently stops the best character in the show, Dr. Doofenschmirtz (also known around the Team Asunder offices as Dr. However-the-fuck-you-spell-it), in his nefarious schemes to rule the tri-state area.
I think this is dangerous, though, readers. As my role-models at Cracked.com have pointed out several times, Nature is full of cuddly-wuddly, fluffy-wuffy, huggable and loveable things that are more than willing to fuck you up for underestimating them, and Platypussies are no exception. You may think Perry the Platypus is a champion of truth and justice, but in reality, with the number of times he’s punched and kicked Dr. However-the-fuck-you-spell-it, the Doctor shouldn’t be able to walk anymore, let alone breathe.
You see, male Platypussies have barbs on their hind legs right above their flippers that deliver a cocktail of different venoms which, while rarely fatal, is excruciatingly, balls-shrinkingly painful. The males have kidney-like glands that produce the venom in their thighs, and the small bones that form the barbs can move at right angles to allow the Platypussies to better fuck you up. According to Wikipedia, the most reliable source in the world:
“Although powerful enough to kill smaller animals, the venom is not lethal to humans. However, it produces excruciating pain which may be intense enough to incapacitate the victim. Swelling rapidly develops around the entry wound and gradually spreads outwards. Information obtained from case studies shows that the pain develops into a long-lasting hyperalgesia that can persist for months but usually lasts from a few days to a few weeks. A clinical report from 1992 showed that the severe pain was persistent and did not respond to morphine. There have been no reported human fatalities.”
You hear that? That Platypus doesn’t have enough regard for you to kill you, he just wants to put you into crippling pain for days, weeks, or, if you’re really unlucky (read: Australian), months. And really, I have no fucking clue what a hyperalgesia is, but it’s so hard to pronounce that I’m going to assume it’s evil.
The venom is similar in many ways to the venoms produced by reptiles, but different because it’s not used to hunt and kill pray, but rather to incapacitate other animals. The venom of the platypus isn’t necrotic, either, so if muscle damage occurs, it’s probably because of the hyperalgesia, swelling, and inability to use any limb you’re stung in. And since the venom and fully-formed barbs occur only on males, scientists theorize that they evolved for use in defending territory during mating season and general defense.
On top of all that, it’s one of the few mammals that produce venom in the first place, leading me to question whether or not God was downing Absinthe while making the Platypus. As if I needed more reason to do so, I’d like you to take a look at the Platypus’ skull:
The Platypussies have a skull that looks like Cthulhu, the Mighty Ducks mask, and some kind of freakish, other-worldly termite got together and jizzed into the primordial stew that gave birth to the Platypus. I mean, ignoring the bones that make up the beak and look like monstrous mandibles, look at those eye sockets. They look angry.
You may say I’m being paranoid and picking on a strange animal, but you’ll remember these words when the Platypussies overtake the world, and the last words you’ll say before finally dying of being stung hundreds of times is “he was right… HE WAS RIGHT!”